I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
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I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.