Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.