I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
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I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
another case of gang violins
Friday night party time 🥳
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”