I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
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A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!