I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
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“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.