I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
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BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.