I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
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[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
dude it’s called proctologist
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”