I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
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Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*