Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

me when somebody idk start touching me

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
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“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

relationship goals

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

I need better friends

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

So can we start calling them Traylor now?