I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
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Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew