Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND