I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
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[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I love you…
…r dog.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip