I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
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My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself