I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.