I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.