I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
You Might Also Like
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*