I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
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judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”