Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

🐶😂

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”