Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.