I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
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Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Oh, I bet you would be
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
This raises questions
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.