I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
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What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
wut hotdog?
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?