Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

🤣

WHY would you be happy about this?

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.