I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
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If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
lot going on here, legally speaking.
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I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
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8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car