I may be small, but so is a grenade.
You Might Also Like
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Oops I deleted….
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm