I may be small, but so is a grenade.
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I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
crazy
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing