I may be small, but so is a grenade.
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I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
hey, alexa
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.