Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

12653.

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.