I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
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I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I’m already scared
Trains are just sideway elevators.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
