I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
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Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
ouch
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes