Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.