I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
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At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Lmao 😁
