I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
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That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
Wake me when AI does housework
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I’m about to risk it all
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….