I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
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If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car