I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
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Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Lmao 🤣