I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.
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Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
2 years later
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?