I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.
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Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”