I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.
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My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato