So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
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so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner