Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I may have done a lot of embarrassing things in my life, but my older sister actually once found a cabbage patch kids birth certificate in my moms filing cabinet, started screaming at and accusing our mom of hiding our “brother” Clyde Fabian from us, and she was like 15
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[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
And the rib?
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
And we’re still calling it auto “correct” because….
My husband is so sweet.
Whenever he sees me having a rough day, he pours himself a large glass of wine
If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter
Life is like a Rubik’s Cube
It may look like a jumbled mess at first, but in the end it will make you want to beat the shit out of someone.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.