I may have done a lot of embarrassing things in my life, but my older sister actually once found a cabbage patch kids birth certificate in my moms filing cabinet, started screaming at and accusing our mom of hiding our “brother” Clyde Fabian from us, and she was like 15

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Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.


9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework


In 1999 I casually tossed out my credit card to pay for a date’s meal and it melted into the hot teppanyaki table, so yeah ladies I’m pretty smooth


[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already


Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.



When being wrong every day for being alive isn’t working for you.


Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.


There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.


I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account