@iGreenGod
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
@chloeevansj
I may have done a lot of embarrassing things in my life, but my older sister actually once found a cabbage patch kids birth certificate in my moms filing cabinet, started screaming at and accusing our mom of hiding our “brother” Clyde Fabian from us, and she was like 15
You Might Also Like
@iGreenGod
@MumInBits
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
@ClueHeywood
In 1999 I casually tossed out my credit card to pay for a date’s meal and it melted into the hot teppanyaki table, so yeah ladies I’m pretty smooth
@david8hughes
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
@ThisOneSayz
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
@Douchekevin
Divorce.
When being wrong every day for being alive isn’t working for you.
@joeljeffrey
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
@rickkondell
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
@Rosebrook18
The opposite of Death Note is obviously Live Journal.
@david8hughes
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account