I may have done a lot of embarrassing things in my life, but my older sister actually once found a cabbage patch kids birth certificate in my moms filing cabinet, started screaming at and accusing our mom of hiding our “brother” Clyde Fabian from us, and she was like 15

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Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.


[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.


My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.


What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls


My husband is so sweet.
Whenever he sees me having a rough day, he pours himself a large glass of wine


If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter


Life is like a Rubik’s Cube

It may look like a jumbled mess at first, but in the end it will make you want to beat the shit out of someone.