Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

If you had more money you’d be happier.

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Life cycle of cat

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]