I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
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“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Lmao the reply
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“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people