I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
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My current situation
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Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it