“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
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Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on