“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
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You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Siri: Retweet me.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.