I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
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Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
logging onto twitter…
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
