I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
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There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Science memes
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night