I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
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A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.