i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
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Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
😾
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Discuss
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this