i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
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There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?