i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
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You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
What the hell happened in there??
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.