Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

Who’s your best friend?

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

Boating season is upon us.

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night