I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
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[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.