Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

Good point.

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.