Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

I can’t wait!

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.