I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
You Might Also Like
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.