Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.