“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
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Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Me, in DM rooms…
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]