“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
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police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Dammit Chief not again
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand