“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
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Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs