I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
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At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
About to throw up
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡