I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
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me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”