I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
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I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Tapped in
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.