I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
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Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
First I was a pebble..
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
You better watch out
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.