I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
🌱🌱🌱
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.