I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.