I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
This is true.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Ah yes. The three genders
do what now??
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore