I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
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My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.