i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
You Might Also Like
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Current mood: Potato
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…