i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
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Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
She: I like Cats
He:
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”