i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
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[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
*serious situation*
My brain:
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that