@carboncaitlin

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

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@SJSchauer

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

@lmegordon

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

@rz0ndy

My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table.

That’s all the DNA test I need.

@SooInnocentDad

My son and his friends are great … They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home

@FattMernandez

I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.

@fat_sket

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

@SmartassChef

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box