Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

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Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*