I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
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Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Nomnomnomnom
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
What the hell is going on?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.