Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.