Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands