Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent