Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth