I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
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I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent